Watermelon Girl
by Ron Dow75
Summary: Ranma has nightmares of having kids by Kunou. Will they come true?


Watermelon Girl   
  
By Ron Dow75  
  
Ranma was dressed like somebody out of a Tarzan movie,   
  
Jane. In her leopard-skin one-piece she called out to her   
  
husband as she bore their youngest child strapped to her   
  
back, "Lunchtime, dearest!"   
  
In his matching trunks, Kunou walked over slowly.   
  
"We've been stuck on this island so many years...we're   
  
lovebirds in paradise, right?" He put an arm over   
  
Ranma's shoulder as they admired their four children.  
  
"I'm so blissful," she said...  
  
///   
  
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" girl-Ranma   
  
screamed!   
  
She looked around, Where IS he!?!! She was ready to   
  
slap Kunou silly.   
  
Then she realized, slap?? Why would a martial artist   
  
JUST slap? Why would a GUY slap!?   
  
While she was examining her open hand, the panda   
  
smacked her with the back of its paw.   
  
She came up from her roll, to demand, "Why'd you   
  
do...." She finally realized that it had been a dream.   
  
Now, it was night. They were in a real inn, something   
  
that didn't happen much. They usually slept out. If they   
  
made too much noise, they would be asked to leave.  
  
Trust Pop to be more concerned about that than what   
  
CAUSED her outburst.   
  
It didn't help HER feel better knowing that Kunou was   
  
the one picking up the tab.   
  
She got up, and out to the 2nd story balcony. She   
  
jumped out.  
  
///  
  
Girl-Ranma walked the beach under the moonlight alone.   
  
She put her hands up to her biceps (pressing her chilled   
  
boobs together) and wished she had brought a coat. At   
  
least a long-sleeved shirt. Hot water would've helped!   
  
Girls were more sensitive to cold than guys. He'd learned   
  
that firsthand.   
  
She was turning around to go back inside, when she saw   
  
Watermelon Island. Even under the dim light it LOOKED   
  
like a watermelon bobbing above the sea. But more to the   
  
point, it was a deserted island with NOTHING but   
  
watermelons growing on it. That is why it had become the   
  
best place to train for the legendary "Kendo Watermelon   
  
Technique". And the price everybody had mastered it  
  
was amnesia.   
  
Like Kunou. The samurai idiot had whacked HIMSELF on   
  
the head with his own sword when one of the watermelons   
  
he'd rigged to fall had landed on it. Ranma shuddered,   
  
and this time not from the breeze coming off of the   
  
ocean. The jerk had become an even bigger pain when he   
  
DIDN'T know her! What restraint he HAD had was gone. He   
  
was willing to go as far as to challenge her, "Date me or   
  
die!" When she'd tried to escape, she ended up on that   
  
island by herself with Kuno with nothing but her   
  
swimsuit, and no hot water. Her only weapons against the   
  
now (she'd thought) formidable swordsman were watermelons   
  
and boulders. It was just Ranma's luck that a watermelon   
  
had come back and conked her unconscious.   
  
And that was when she first had that dream, of being   
  
the trapped on that island, Eve to his Adam, mother of   
  
their kids.   
  
The dream hadn't ended there; it'd come back. What did   
  
they say about dreaming of the same thing three times?   
  
"I'm NOT gonna sleep," she swore.   
  
///  
  
...The man put an arm over Ranma's shoulder as they   
  
admired their children.  
  
"I'm so blissful," she said...  
  
The nightmare was interrupted by, "Ranma, Wake up!   
  
What are you doing out here?"   
  
Ranma opened her eyes to see Akane, and then the   
  
Kasumi. The eldest sister called to the rest of the   
  
Tendous, "Akane's found Ranma!" They were all in beach   
  
robes and swimsuits, carrying their beach bags. Though   
  
there was still a chill in the early morning air, they   
  
wanted to make the most of their last day at the resort.  
  
Again, it took an adjustment to get away from that   
  
horrible dream. She'd actually fallen asleep standing up,   
  
leaning against one of the kissaten (tea & coffee houses)   
  
along the beach. That's right, after jogging around and   
  
doing her katas, she'd thought about breaking in and   
  
buying enough caffeine to keep a horse awake. ...And   
  
drinks were yet another thing girls reacted more strongly   
  
to.  
  
Kasumi said, "Oh, my. Where did you find what you're   
  
wearing, Ranma?"   
  
Ranma looked down at the beach coverall she was   
  
wearing, "Somebody threw it away. It's warm, so as long   
  
as I'm a girl, I don't care what it looks like." In   
  
keeping with the theme of the area, it had large   
  
watermelon on it, below her bust.   
  
Nabiki said, "Perhaps you should, Ranma."   
  
Akane, now, saw what her sisters were talking about,   
  
"No wonder the woman who was given that as a gift threw   
  
it away: That's a maternity dress! What woman wants to be   
  
reminded her belly will grow as big as a watermelon!?"   
  
Ranma did the pose as she stammered, "Ma, ma,   
  
maternity...!" And she'd had the same dream THREE times!!   
  
No! Technically the last one WASN'T the same one! The   
  
man in it hadn't BEEN Kuno, but some other, unknown guy   
  
being the father of her children. So it wasn't going to   
  
come true, WAS it!!  
  
Nabiki snickered, "That's some reaction you have   
  
there."   
  
Ranma reasserted her dignity, "So WHAT if it is, what   
  
you say it is. I just need a belt or something to make a   
  
waist, and anybody's gonna know." She actually wanted a   
  
girl's narrow waist? It was better than having the   
  
alternative for a girl.  
  
Before the sisters could say anything, their father   
  
was speaking, "Ranma, my boy! Your father is still eating   
  
breakfast. But that is the last meal that Kuno-lad will   
  
be paying for. But we've--" (Nabiki interrupted with,   
  
"I found.") "--Nabiki has found that there is a way to   
  
WIN a free three days and two nights stay at one of the   
  
inns around here."   
  
Tying the sash from Akane's beach robe around the   
  
maternity coverall, Ranma asked sourly, "What stupid   
  
martial arts event is it this time? Kickin' sand? Takin' a   
  
sand castle? Turnin' seashells into ninja throwin' stars?   
  
Cannonballs?"   
  
Mr. Tendou assured her, "No martial arts at all. It is   
  
merely an eating contest! I thought Genma and you would   
  
enter for us!"   
  
Kasumi smiled, "Oh, my, yes! If there are any people   
  
who know how to eat, it's the Saotomes!"   
  
Nabiki said, "And she says it like it's a good thing."   
  
Akane didn't like the idea of being left out, "Hey,   
  
what about me?!"   
  
Nabiki said, "You're on a diet, Akane. You're always   
  
on a diet."   
  
Kasumi said, "And an eating contest gives her the   
  
perfect excuse to leave off the dieting! Go for it,   
  
Akane!"   
  
Nabiki said, "Under THAT logic, I might as well enter,   
  
too."  
  
After adjusting for a few more wrinkles, Ranma pulled   
  
the loose part of the coverall out as she looked past her   
  
bust, "There! Now the watermelon on this thing looks like   
  
a giant pickle."   
  
Nabiki said, "Leave it to you, Ranma, to get into a   
  
pickle."   
  
///   
  
While Mr. Tendou went to the small village down the   
  
coast that was sponsoring the contest, Akane and Ranma   
  
went to the closest restaurant that was open. The redhead   
  
told the waitress, "Hot water, no tea."  
  
Akane asked, "What kept you out of your room all   
  
night, Ranma? Kunou?"   
  
Girl-Ranma flinched. "No. I just had a...bad dream."   
  
Her voice had gotten quieter.   
  
Akane said, "More of those nightmares of yours? You   
  
won't tell me about them, but perhaps you should see a   
  
councilor you can talk to. There may be a pattern."   
  
Ranma glared at her, "Have my head shrunk!?" She   
  
paused as the waitress came with their complimentary   
  
water. When they the waitress had left, Ranma picked her   
  
cup, "The problem is that my head DOES shrink!" And she   
  
poured the hot water on her head.   
  
"Akh!" guy-Ranma cried, loosening the sash tightened   
  
for a wasp waist.   
  
  
  
Akane tensed. But it didn't seem as if the few people   
  
around noticed Ranma changing into a guy. Now if he had   
  
been wearing a bikini....   
  
Akane still lowered her voice, "Are you sure that   
  
nothing happened on that island, yesterday?"  
  
Ranma didn't LIKE remembering it. "I told you, ALL   
  
that happened was I lost to ONE watermelon. It was a   
  
fluke!" He didn't want to tell Akane how she had reacted   
  
like a scared girl when the jerk threatened her with his   
  
wooden sword. She had actually teared up and ran! Then,   
  
instead of pulling out her martial arts techniques, she'd   
  
gone straight to her girl tactics, calling him darling   
  
and acting like she would LIKE to hug, and kiss, maybe   
  
even.... Ranma's stomach knotted.   
  
Akane said, "Uh, hunh." Ranma was blocking what could   
  
happen to a girl who was passed out and protected only by   
  
a guy's honor. And Kunou had certainly been acting less   
  
than honorably!   
  
But Akane had looked for the signs on Ranma's legs,   
  
and on the swimsuit she took off before changing back.   
  
When they got back, she had asked Kasumi to look for   
  
anything different about Ranma's laundry. She had even   
  
thought about splashing cold water on Ranma before she   
  
went to the toilet, and then sneaking in with a home   
  
pregnancy test.   
  
All of that had made her VERY uncomfortable. It was   
  
acknowledging that Ranma could be more of a girl than she   
  
liked to think about. She just hoped Dr. Tofu's research   
  
was correct and that a cursed female would be stuck in   
  
whichever form became pregnant. So, since Ranma COULD   
  
change, that meant Ranma WASN'T, right!?!!  
  
Scowling, Ranma asked, "Where IS the mental case?"   
  
"Kunou SHOULD be in a hospital. But I hear he went   
  
looking for priestess in the area who's famous for her   
  
healing powers and exorcisms."   
  
"Hmf! Maybe she can get rid of his stupidity demon."   
  
"That would be stupid. Then you couldn't trick him."   
  
"But he'd be smart enough to know I'm NOT a girl!" Did   
  
he feel a pang?  
  
That got some attention from the customers.   
  
Akane took Ranma's hand, "Come on."   
  
Ranma asked, "But what about breakfast?!"   
  
"We're in an eating contest. You know what they say,   
  
"You have to have a hunger to win." More people were   
  
staring at them. "Er, Ranma, about the maternity dress   
  
you have on as a guy...?"  
  
///  
  
Kunou walked up the steps of the Shinto temple. He   
  
yelped in surprise to find somebody unexpectedly standing   
  
at the top, as if waiting. The ugly, little, old man   
  
dressed as a Buddhist monk told him, "You have a most   
  
unfortunate face."   
  
Kunou didn't normally strike holly people. But he felt   
  
a strong urge to harm THIS one. "Why did you startle me   
  
as you did, monk!?! IF that is what you truly are," he   
  
threatened with his wooden sword.   
  
"Don't you want to know about your fortune?"   
  
Kunou yelled, "I HAVE people who look after my   
  
fortune! Why would I want to hire you!?"   
  
A woman interrupted them, "Uncle!! What have I told   
  
you about showing your ugly face around the temple!   
  
You're bad for business!! People get the idea you're a   
  
demon painting come to life!"   
  
Kunou marveled. This mature woman of thirty in the   
  
attire of a Shinto priestess was as beautiful as her   
  
uncle was not. He stepped on the obnoxious, little man as   
  
he approached her, "My Dear Woman, I am seriously tempted   
  
to disregard the differences in our ages, and DATE with   
  
you!"   
  
She looked at the youth hard in his eyes, "And it's   
  
idiot men saying things like that which has driven me   
  
AWAY from the populated areas they're the densest! Now,   
  
come!" she said turning for the modest temple. "You must   
  
be here about a recent spell of amnesia."   
  
The still smitten samurai lad followed, "Priestess!   
  
Your ability to discern ailments is wondrous."  
  
"No. I heard that yet another kendo idiot had taken   
  
the legend of Watermelon Island seriously without   
  
checking the facts." And Kunou, as usual, WAS dressed the   
  
part.  
  
When they got to the temple, the priestess had the boy   
  
sit on the ground, while she sat on the porch. She ran   
  
her hands up along his neck and on up, and through his   
  
hair. "You have a lot of bumps on your head."   
  
"It is the fault of that accursed Ranma Saotome! He   
  
walks over others: Even *I*, his sempai and Noble Lord of   
  
Nerima!"   
  
"I see. But HE wasn't the one responsible for you   
  
losing your memory."   
  
"But he WAS. It was because of that low man I needed   
  
to take drastic steps to advance my already notorious   
  
swordsmanship. It is only by defeating him that I can   
  
release the hold he has on the two that I love above all   
  
others."   
  
"I see," the priestess said in a noncommittal tone as   
  
she took something out from under her white jacket.   
  
"And most despicable of ALL his dastardly deeds is the   
  
black magic he uses to separate the Pigtailed Girl from   
  
any sort of a normal life!" he wept at the thought.   
  
"...Or love."   
  
Paying more attention to the stethoscope now in her   
  
ears, she said, "Be quiet! I'm trying to listen to your   
  
thorax." To his unasked question, the woman told him as   
  
she thumped his chest, "I am also a qualified nurse." It   
  
took her only a few more moments to determine, "Your eyes   
  
are not dilated, your skin is not clammy, your pulse is   
  
normal, nor there is no sign of internal abnormalities.   
  
And your chi energy is flowing for what I judge is normal   
  
for you. As far as I can tell without an MRI, you've   
  
sustained no lasting damage. I would recommend you   
  
REFRAIN from any further fighting or strenuous activity   
  
for at least two weeks."   
  
"TWO WEEKS!?!" Kunou cried in agony. "I cannot stand   
  
the thought of my Pigtailed Venus being in clutches of   
  
that merciless VILLAIN Saotome for one second more than I   
  
can help it!!"   
  
The ugly, old Buddhist monk surprised them as he again   
  
appeared as if from nowhere, "If the girl is under a   
  
spell, perhaps another spell is needed."   
  
A crosshatch appeared on the priestess as she made a   
  
fist, "Uncle! We don't NEED to get involved in this   
  
affair!"   
  
But for once, Kunou had picked up on an idea, "Of   
  
course! It takes a spell to break a spell! I will reward   
  
you munificently if you can deliver me the Pigtailed   
  
Girl!" He then picked up his wooden sword, "And once I   
  
have HER, Saotome's distraction from his sense of loss   
  
will then lead to his, true and PERMANENT loss!"   
  
The monk said to his niece, "You are right. This is no   
  
affaire of ours."   
  
Kunou blinked. "Name your price: Gold! Jewels!   
  
Priceless antiques! Stocks listed on the Nikkei   
  
Exchange!"   
  
The gnome-like man said took a praying posture, "I am   
  
a simple monk, and my needs are simple."   
  
Kunou understood. If the holy man was a wanderer, then   
  
the only things he had need of were clothing and, "A   
  
year's supply of French haut cuisine!"   
  
The man AND his niece cried, "Sold!!"   
  
///   
  
Soun hurried back to the resort. After a frantic   
  
search, he found the panda sitting out on the beach   
  
wearing a sunhat, a wet towel and fanning itself. "Genma!   
  
I have great news! The upcoming contest is the   
  
opportunity we've been looking for that will INSURE Ranma   
  
marries my daughter Akane!!"   
  
The panda held up a sign, [?].   
  
"It seems that up until a few years ago, the village   
  
lived in fear of what they called their watermelon god.   
  
Though they grew them, nobody dared eat one, or sell any   
  
to outsiders until they'd appeased the god. They would   
  
select one watermelon each year and subject it to a   
  
special process that would cause it to grow larger than   
  
all of the others! This would be the living embodiment of   
  
their god. When it had ripened they would put it on the   
  
altar of the Great Watermelon, and on the appointed day--  
  
Today!--the whole village would engage in rituals   
  
designed to calm its spirit!"   
  
The panda held up a sign, [So?].  
  
"As I said, that changed a few years ago. The mayor   
  
called on a priestess and a monk to rid the village of the   
  
danger from its possible anger once and for all. When   
  
asked what that was, they couldn't be told. The villagers   
  
had been living in fear for so many generations, that they   
  
forgot what would happen if the watermelon spirit were   
  
NOT pleased."  
  
The panda didn't hold up a sign. It was losing   
  
interest.   
  
"Well, before the exorcists had a chance to rid the   
  
village of the spirit, the Great Watermelon got very   
  
angry and attacked every man in the village."   
  
[And the village discovered what the watermelon did.]  
  
"Exactly!! But not until they sent the exorcists away,   
  
unpaid. Then, rather than get rid of its vengeful spirit,   
  
the elders of the village decided to hold a festival to   
  
attract tourists!"   
  
[So that the TOURISTS could be the sacrifices.]  
  
"Exactly!!"   
  
///  
  
In her robe and swimsuit, Kasumi found her sister,   
  
"Nabiki! It's time to go to the contest."   
  
Nabiki remained where she was sunbathing on the beach.   
  
"I'm not going. You really didn't think I was serious   
  
when I said I might as well enter, did you? Eating   
  
contests are messy and disgusting. And what goes in, MAY   
  
come out."   
  
"Suit yourself."   
  
"Kasumi! I'd recommend YOU didn't go either, even as a   
  
spectator."   
  
"And why not, Nabiki?"  
  
"I can read the signs. Panda signs."  
  
///  
  
A few kilometers down the coast, around a promontory   
  
was a typical village by the sea, under terraced farms in   
  
the foothills that reached down to its long, wide, and   
  
little used beach. It was almost as if it were out of an   
  
earlier time, despite the resort being so close. Looking   
  
down on idyllic setting, Akane had to wonder, "What keeps   
  
the tourists and developers away?"   
  
Ranma's only answer was his stomach growling.  
  
The two fathers pointed up the long, stone flight of   
  
stairs in a grassy hill. Mr. Tendou told Ranma and Akane,   
  
"All contestants must present themselves before the their   
  
idol on the altar at the top."   
  
Mr. Saotome said, "It is all part of the local   
  
ceremony."  
  
Ranma had been all around and into the deepest parts   
  
of Japan, and knew how seriously the locals took their   
  
own peculiar customs. The pigtailed boy started up the   
  
stairs, "Aren't you comin', Pop? You're in this thing,   
  
too, aren't you?"   
  
Genma held up his hands and waved him off, "No! Heh,   
  
heh! There must be an age limit! This is something best   
  
entered into by a young couple!"   
  
Soun told his accomplice, "Saotome, I think you're   
  
telling more than enough."   
  
Agreeing, both of them fled.   
  
Akane said, "I've got a feeling they're not telling US   
  
enough."   
  
Ranma told her, "Forget about it. Let's get the stupid   
  
part over with, so I can get to eatin'. I'm starvin'! I   
  
ain't had nothing since yesterday."   
  
At the very top, out in the open, was a sturdy, three-  
  
tiered Shinto wooden altar with sake, rice balls, and   
  
other offerings. But what REALLY drew their eyes was what   
  
was the idol, judging by the zigzag paper gohei draped   
  
over the thing on top. It was a watermelon. A huge   
  
watermelon. A watermelon the size of a boulder!  
  
Both Ranma and Akane nearly did facefaults. Ranma   
  
cried, "I'm not THAT hungry!!"   
  
Akane held her own belly, "It makes me sick just to   
  
look at it. Anything THAT big can't be good to eat."   
  
An middle-aged woman in a kimono came around from the   
  
other side, "Oh, goody, more outsiders! Come, the contest   
  
tables are on this side."   
  
There were four low tables arranged in a semi-circle   
  
around the Great Watermelon altar, with more that could   
  
be set down if more contestants showed up. There was a   
  
shy couple that looked like newlyweds; a thug-type with   
  
bulging muscles and tattoos; two middle-aged couples, one   
  
drunk, the other arguing; and a very old man who could   
  
barely stand up on his own. And, with his back away from   
  
them, standing over a pile of watermelons, somebody they   
  
DID know.   
  
Ranma went up to him, "Hey, Kunou! How's the head   
  
case?!"   
  
Kunou yelped in surprise, "Ranma Saotome!!" dropping   
  
what he'd had in his hand.   
  
Lucky for him, his arch-enemy didn't notice the   
  
hypodermic needle. "So," Ranma said, "you're in this   
  
contest, too?"   
  
Kunou asked, "I wanted a match with the Pigtailed   
  
Girl! You're not trying to prevent my challenging her!?!"   
  
"You mean, "If she wins, you would date with her"? As   
  
good a reason as that is for her NOT to show up, she has   
  
no choice. This is a WATER-melon eating contest. Cold   
  
watermelon."   
  
"I don't understand!"   
  
"Nothing new there."   
  
Akane pushed Ranma away, "We have to find a place for   
  
you to change. Honestly, I don't know what our fathers   
  
were thinking: Insisting you show up as a guy!"   
  
Before Kunou could regale the sturdy and true Akane   
  
Tendou with poetic verse without rhyme or reason, he   
  
remembered his mission. If he could remain focused on   
  
that, he'd be able to indulge himself to his heart's   
  
content. He found the needle. There was just a few drops   
  
of solution left in the syringe. He looked for the   
  
watermelon with the tiny puncture hole. "I must mark it,   
  
so that I know WHICH of them has the magic potion in   
  
it...."   
  
But as he looked, and searched, finally tearing at his   
  
hair: "I don't know which one it IS!!" He dropped to his   
  
knees, "If only I had THOUGHT to bring faithful Sasuke   
  
with me! I could blame HIM for this grievous error!"   
  
///  
  
Ranma and Akane, the single females, sat on a blanket   
  
at the same table. Each couple was together at their own   
  
ones, and the thug and geezer sat at the same table.   
  
Kunou had bought the right to have a table all to   
  
himself. On the end next to Ranma's and Akane's, of   
  
course. Akane had made sure Ranma was closer to him,   
  
which nearly made the pigtailed girl loose her appetite.   
  
Akane looked at the pile of watermelons, waiting to be   
  
eaten. There had to be at least a hundred. "I hope this   
  
isn't about how many you can eat."   
  
Confident, Ranma-chan put her hands back behind her   
  
head, "If it is, I bet I can win, even with a girl's   
  
smaller stomach. And if it's about speed, I have the   
  
training I got in "Martial Arts Dining" when I was   
  
engaged to Picolette." Suddenly she froze in déjà vu.   
  
As the condition for the training, Ranma had committed   
  
herself to becoming "Mrs. Picolette Chardin II". If she   
  
hadn't won the showdown dinner, she'd have been honor   
  
bound to be marry the guy!! She had dreamed of the   
  
wedding. Alone, the two of them had eaten the giant   
  
wedding cake together. Ranma's grin had been large enough   
  
to wrap around a watermelon! LITERALLY, thanks to the   
  
grotesque methods their methods could lead to.   
  
In her dream, her mouth had become a vacuum hose and   
  
had actually REACHED out to kiss the blonde! Had she   
  
actually LIKED it when Picolette had sucked face?  
  
Ranma's arms and head dropped. Of COURSE she didn't   
  
want to marry Picolette, and DEFINITELY not Kunou.   
  
But...were those dreams her subconscious trying to tell   
  
her that, that, maybe, perhaps, the girl in her had the   
  
urge to find a guy?   
  
She thought about that maternity coverall she had put   
  
on. DID she have maternal instincts?...  
  
The oldest of the townsladies got up to explain the   
  
rules. Akane looking at the few people off to the side,   
  
she said, "Ranma, did you notice that all of the   
  
spectators and officials are women? And none seems   
  
younger than 45-years-old."   
  
Ranma-chan was too lost in her own disconcertion to   
  
respond.   
  
The matriarch in a kimono said, "The rules are these:   
  
One person at a time will get up and insult the Great   
  
Watermelon." She gestured to the monster one on the altar   
  
before them. "If any of you are at a loss of what to call   
  
it, we have women with cue cards standing up." Two of the   
  
older ones knelt on either side of the altar, their   
  
poster boards on the ground beside them. "You then do the   
  
GRAVEST insult of all, and EAT as many watermelons as you   
  
can in front of it--As viciously as you can!   
  
"Then the next person will be given their chance. That   
  
is all."   
  
Akane raised her hand, "Excuse me, Ma'am. But what if   
  
there's a tie?"   
  
She paused in her hasty withdrawal long enough to say,   
  
"I don't think we will have to worry about any ties."   
  
The thug pushed the old geezer down, and claimed first   
  
up. Mixed with a torrent of profanity (which the old   
  
ladies bore with the grace of good hostesses) was his   
  
bragging about what a stud he was, and that he didn't   
  
NEED a fourth-rate god like this one to prove what a man   
  
he was!! He'd come here at the end of summer to smash the   
  
biggest watermelon in the world, just like a favorite   
  
Japanese game did! He didn't even need a baseball bat!  
  
Without a score card, it really didn't make much   
  
sense; and trying to close her ears to the foul language   
  
didn't help Akane understand what its purpose was. But   
  
she was becoming suspicious. And uneasy.   
  
Meanwhile, Kunou had "decided to stretch his legs"   
  
while he waited. He strode past the cue card lady,   
  
pretending she wasn't there. He glanced around without   
  
seeing, then ducked around towards the front of the Great   
  
Watermelon. He said to himself, "Why take a chance with   
  
ONE small fruit of the vine? If the legend is correct,   
  
THIS one shall surely deliver my love!" He took out his   
  
hypodermic needle and stabbed it into the monster fruit.   
  
The watermelon god buckled, its bulk retreating from   
  
the needle that had injected it. It rolled to the far   
  
edge of the altar, where it trembled and shook. Kunou   
  
(and everybody else) stared in dumb awe at the now   
  
animate object. The hand with the needle was frozen up in   
  
the air.  
  
The needle not a threat, for the moment, the huge   
  
fruit jumped back, knocking Kunou flat on his back. It's   
  
great weight broke its altar.   
  
But the Great Watermelon did not fall. It hovered,   
  
rolling in midair.   
  
Kunou reached for his sword. Finally, the Kendo   
  
Watermelon Slicing Technique would be of real used! But   
  
the boulder-like idol started bouncing on him. He never   
  
had a chance. He was pounded into the ground.   
  
Ranma cried, "Aw, GEEZ! I hate to hafta say this, but   
  
I guess I gotta save the jerk." She tossed regular-sized   
  
watermelons at it. They smashed up against the thick rind   
  
of the monster watermelon. While the attack did no harm   
  
to it, it DID draw its attention to Ranma.   
  
Ranma was on it, and kicked it away from the now   
  
unconscious Kunou.   
  
But the watermelon spirit used its power to bring its   
  
home back, aiming to bounce on Ranma now. Leaping aside,   
  
the pigtailed girl cried, "Tenshin Amagakuren, Revised:   
  
WATERMELON Roasting Over an Open Fire!!" And chopped at   
  
it repeatedly with the side of her hand. She was cut the   
  
largest watermelon slice anybody had ever seen.   
  
The watermelon god rolled, twisted, and writhed; then   
  
bright light of its spiritual energy shone through its   
  
open wound. Akane said, "I think Ranma just made it mad."   
  
Suddenly, the two circles appeared where Ranma had hit   
  
it with the smaller watermelons. Theses combined with the   
  
missing slice to make a face, two red eyes and a mouth   
  
with black seeds for little teeth. The final phase of it   
  
anthropomorphism came when it sprouted vines that became   
  
arms, and legs, with hands and feet.   
  
Ranma said, "This is STUPIDER than even that enchanted   
  
panda drawing I had to date."   
  
The watermelon screamed, "No! No, no, no! No!! I'll   
  
never forgive you! How...How could you CUT me!!?!   
  
Prepare to meet your doom, ALL of you!!"   
  
The thug cried, "YES!! This is what I was WAITIN'   
  
for!!" And he cracked a watermelon in two.   
  
The husband of the drunk couple said, "It's a good   
  
thing I think this is just the booze."   
  
The wife of the other couple said, "Ikki! We came her   
  
to make a man out of you: Now be one!!"   
  
"Yes, dear!" he said, biting into a slice of one of   
  
his watermelons.   
  
Sharing a large slice of their own, the newlyweds said   
  
as one, "This is what we came here for, to start our   
  
marriage with children!"   
  
Akane GOT it!! No WONDER only the only towns people at   
  
the contest were women too old to have--"Ranma!! Don't let   
  
the seeds TOUCH you: That's a FERTILITY god!!!"   
  
NOW Ranma was worried: "A WHAT!!?" It was a good thing   
  
that just like she could snatch chestnuts from a fire   
  
without getting burned, she could break open the rind   
  
without getting wet from its meat.   
  
The Great Watermelon god spit seed after seed at the   
  
human girl that had wounded it. Ranma leaped. The seeds   
  
followed. She somersaulted away, making sudden changes of   
  
direction to stay just one vault from the fecund seeds.   
  
  
  
And she couldn't return to any place she HAD been,   
  
because it was covered with watermelon seeds and slime!   
  
If she slipped on the slime....  
  
While the other contestants complained about NOT being   
  
spit on, Ranma was saying, "This is no good! I can't stay   
  
on defense! It can fly! All it has to do is get high   
  
enough and strafe me! I need to attack it! But HOW!!?!"   
  
A glance at Akane saw that SHE was putting her fists   
  
through a couple of watermelons, as if they were boxing   
  
gloves. Of course! Ranma now knew what to do!   
  
She backflipped for the slice she'd cut out of the it.   
  
Quickly, but carefully, lifting it up, she used the wedge   
  
as a shield--And shoved it into the 'grapping mouth' of   
  
the monster watermelon.  
  
The watermelon god made noises, but it could not be   
  
heard because of the gag. Ranma said, "Okay: NOW, what do   
  
I do!?"   
  
While she was thinking, she got pelted by seeds. THIS   
  
time from the angry contestants and THEIR watermelons. It   
  
was only a matter of seconds before THEY attacked Ranma!  
  
The Great Watermelon started rising up into the air.   
  
"Oh, no you don't!!" Ranma cried, jumping to keep the   
  
wedge-gag pressed into its "mouth".   
  
As Ranma held on and rode the thing as it rolled   
  
around in midair, she knew she had only once chance. And   
  
if one chance was all she had, then she HAD to take a   
  
risk! At the top, she let go of the giant wedge, and ran   
  
to stay on top of the watermelon. Which amazed the   
  
contestants enough for them to stop them in their tracks.   
  
She knew that the watermelon spirit inside was going to   
  
bring its now open "mouth" around to spit seeds at her,   
  
perhaps even "swallow" her, but...   
  
Just when she judged its mouth was on the other side,   
  
she focused all of her strength at ONE point in the rind:   
  
KER-rack-shaaarrk! That blow cracked the watermelon all   
  
the way around from top to bottom. The weakest area was   
  
the open slice facing the ground, and THAT was the   
  
direction the seeds and slime burst out of!   
  
Ranma leaped far away the fertilier that the other   
  
contestants ran to bathe in. Standing on the ground, she   
  
watched the white glow of the spirit rise into the sky from   
  
the hulk of the great watermelon. She laughed, "Without   
  
a place to stay in, it CAN'T hang around: Threat over with!   
  
*Ha, ha, ha!*" Why was a part of her was NOT so relieved.  
  
She laughed too soon. The white light dropped back   
  
down, picked up the two halves of the monster watermelon,   
  
and brought them over to the human mocking it. SMOOSH!!   
  
Ranma was totally immersed wet slime and seeds inside the   
  
two halves.   
  
Just when Ranma thought she might drown, they fell   
  
away. Harvest time was over with, and the fertility   
  
spirit had to depart for another year.   
  
Akane cried, "Ranma!! Ranma, speak to me!!"   
  
She spit out a fountain of slime and seeds. Akane   
  
wasn't worried enough about Ranma to get THAT close to   
  
being fertilized.   
  
She remembered, "Oh! Hot water!!" She tossed the lid   
  
of the teakettle she'd borrowed and threw it on the girl   
  
Ranma. From a distance.   
  
The wind was with her. The hot water splashed Ranma.   
  
Only Ranma didn't change: Ranma remained a girl!!   
  
While Akane stood there stricken by the terror, Kunou   
  
had come to. He ran to her, "The Pigtailed Girl!!" He   
  
pulled her limp, slimy form up against him, and prayed,   
  
"Please, let the legends be true! Let there really BE a   
  
fertility god!"   
  
Finding her strength, Ranma shoved the creep away,   
  
"Even IF the damned thing DID make me fertile, I have to   
  
DO something about it for it to MEAN anything--And if YOU   
  
think I'm gonna let you--"   
  
Kunou said, "But the deed is, I dare hope, already   
  
done, My True Love! I injected a magic solution into the   
  
watermelon that contained my OWN love!"   
  
"YOU WHATTT!!!?"   
  
"You have no choice but to marry me, now, My Beloved   
  
Mother-To-Be! Such is the ancient ways, even Saotome will   
  
have to give you up!"  
  
Akane screamed as an ugly, little Buddhist monk   
  
appeared beside her, "Wishful thinking on his part. He is   
  
a most unfortunate soul." It was now safe for him to   
  
appear.  
  
A glamorous woman dressed like a Shinto priestess told   
  
them, "It did not contain ANY of his spermatozoa."   
  
Kunou protested, "I did not say it did! But it WAS a magic   
  
potion!! From the ingredients I provided!! You GUARRANTEED   
  
your work—It was IN the contract!!"   
  
The monk said, "He supplied us with the hair, nail   
  
clippings, skin flakes, blood, mucus, and...OTHER bodily   
  
fluids of the females he desired to be his. (So   
  
un-Buddha-like.)"   
  
Kunou nodded curtly, "Yes. I have my manservant Sasuke   
  
collect those mementos of the two I most dearly love in   
  
this world! He is most thorough, if LAX about labeling   
  
which of my true loves they came from."  
  
The priestess said, "Yes, I suspected the samples were   
  
contaminated with another's."   
  
The monk said, "And those ARE the necessary   
  
ingredients for most love potions."  
  
The priestess told him, "But YOU turned it into a   
  
fertility potion by bringing it here! Subjecting it to   
  
the higher rules and vagaries of a god!"   
  
The monk also informed him, "Now, if he had supplied   
  
some of his OWN seed...."   
  
Kunou blushed bright red, "I COULDN'T!"  
  
Akane went up to the priestess (and away from the   
  
little man who made her skin itch), "Then Ranma ISN'T   
  
pregnant?!" she hoped.   
  
The beautiful priestess told her, "I cannot guarantee   
  
that. The idiot supplied us with SO much material from   
  
the two females he has his crush on, there HAD to be   
  
quite a lot of stem cells. Under the proper conditions,   
  
stem cells CAN be used to pass on genetic information. I   
  
hear that theoretically they could even be used to make a   
  
MAN pregnant."   
  
Akane gasped, "Y, you mean, Ran, Ranma's the father of   
  
her own *gulp* child!?!"   
  
The priestess said, "Of course not! Where would the   
  
morality be in that? We ARE spiritual people. We would   
  
never allow that to happen."  
  
Before anybody could sigh in relief, the monk said,   
  
"If she is pregnant by anybody, it is by the OTHER girl."   
  
Ranma cried, "You mean AKANE'S the father!!?!!"   
  
Akane fainted.   
  
The priestess said, "Stand back! I can help: I'm an   
  
expert in modern medicine!" Over her shoulder, she told   
  
the pigtailed girl, "You're next!"  
  
As the monk was about to start his praying for Ranma,   
  
he said, "I hope you WANT a child. A fertility god will   
  
haunt you until you DO have one."  
  
'  
  
'  
  
The End.  
  
'  
  
[Author's notes: Stem cells can be found scattered in   
  
small amounts throughout the body, especially in bone   
  
marrow and the dental roots. Stem cells from a mother can   
  
survive well into her children's adulthood.  
  
'  
  
[The idea for this story STARTED from the dream Ranma had   
  
about having kids with Kunou. The dream where she marries   
  
Picolette is found in the anime, not in the manga. But I   
  
think it is appropriate to add it because it seems in   
  
keeping with the first dream. Then I needed something to   
  
feel out the story, and provide an excuse for some   
  
action. The Great Watermelon god comes from an episode of   
  
"Urusei Yatsura" (better known as "Lum"), ALSO created by   
  
Rumiko Takahashi. THERE it was thought just stupid that   
  
the "god" would punish people by spitting seeds on them.   
  
In MY version, nine months later, they found that it had   
  
done MORE (as in population explosion). Of course, in the   
  
original story, Lum, Ataru, Shinobu, Mendou, the   
  
priestess AND monk had ALSO gotten slimed. But since THEY   
  
didn't become more fertile (that we know of), I made this   
  
a possibly different world from theirs. That is why I   
  
NEVER mentioned the names of the priestess and monk.] 


End file.
